HARD-DISK Woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.
RAM Woman:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.
WINDOWS Woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
EXCEL Woman:
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.
SCREENSAVER Woman:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!
INTERNET Woman:
Difficult to access.
SERVER Woman:
Always busy wh en you need her.
MULTIMEDIA Woman:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.
CD-ROM Woman:
She is always faster and faster.
E-MAIL Woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.
VIRUS Woman:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything............
Friday, August 12, 2005
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Ah Beng's Acts
(Act 1)
Ah Beng calls the telephone operator:
Ah Beng: "Could you please tell me the time difference between
Singaporeand New York?"
Operator: "Just a minute..."
Ah Beng: "Thank you."
Ah Beng got his answer and cut off the line.
(Act 2)
At a bar in New York, the man sat next to Ah Beng told the bartender,
"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE."
and his companion said, "JACK DANIELS,SINGLE."
The bartender turned to Ah Beng and asked, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Ah Beng replied: "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED."
(Act 3)
After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite sometime,
Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.
"It took me only 5 MONTHS to do it," Ah Beng said.
"FIVE MONTHS? Why did you take so long." the friend asked.
Ah Beng replied, "No, it is not long at all, look at the box, it says it
is for 4 to 7 years".
(Act 4)
Ah Beng took part in the Singapore Manhunt Competition. During the Q&A
segment, the host asks, "Name a drink that begins with the letter 'G'."
The crowd shouts, "Gin! Gin!". Others exclaim, "No, its Grape Juice!"
Another smart aleck yells, "Alamak, Gatorade!"
Host : "Quiet please."
Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena before replying, "C'mon man, I
don't need their help? I got more original answer. My answer is "Gu ni!"
(milk in Hokkien)
(Act 5)
Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it when he
encountered some problems. After a few attempts, he decided to use the
'Help' command. Soon after, he became very irritated and called the
computer shop for support.
Ah Beng : "I pressed the 'F1' key for help... but it's been over half an
hour & still nobody has come to help me...."
(Act 6)
In the class.
Teacher: "Class, do you know the meaning of parents?"
Ah Beng: "Yes, teacher, it means father and mother"
Teacher: "Good. Can you give me an example?"
Ah Beng: "Sure. Cowboy's parents means cowboy's father and
mother. Also can say Cowboy's father is Cow Pay and
Cowboy's mother is Cow Boo. So if they walk together,
we can say they are 'Cow Pay Cow Boo'".
(Act 7)
Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what
had happened to his ears and he answered," I was ironing a shirt and the
phone ring lor- but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally
picked
up the iron and stuck it to my ear. So Kena lor!"
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to the
other ear?"
Ah Beng: "That stupid fellow called back again loh!"
(Act 8)
Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?
Because according to the advertisement, below 18 is not allowed to go
in.
Ah Beng calls the telephone operator:
Ah Beng: "Could you please tell me the time difference between
Singaporeand New York?"
Operator: "Just a minute..."
Ah Beng: "Thank you."
Ah Beng got his answer and cut off the line.
(Act 2)
At a bar in New York, the man sat next to Ah Beng told the bartender,
"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE."
and his companion said, "JACK DANIELS,SINGLE."
The bartender turned to Ah Beng and asked, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Ah Beng replied: "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED."
(Act 3)
After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite sometime,
Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.
"It took me only 5 MONTHS to do it," Ah Beng said.
"FIVE MONTHS? Why did you take so long." the friend asked.
Ah Beng replied, "No, it is not long at all, look at the box, it says it
is for 4 to 7 years".
(Act 4)
Ah Beng took part in the Singapore Manhunt Competition. During the Q&A
segment, the host asks, "Name a drink that begins with the letter 'G'."
The crowd shouts, "Gin! Gin!". Others exclaim, "No, its Grape Juice!"
Another smart aleck yells, "Alamak, Gatorade!"
Host : "Quiet please."
Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena before replying, "C'mon man, I
don't need their help? I got more original answer. My answer is "Gu ni!"
(milk in Hokkien)
(Act 5)
Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it when he
encountered some problems. After a few attempts, he decided to use the
'Help' command. Soon after, he became very irritated and called the
computer shop for support.
Ah Beng : "I pressed the 'F1' key for help... but it's been over half an
hour & still nobody has come to help me...."
(Act 6)
In the class.
Teacher: "Class, do you know the meaning of parents?"
Ah Beng: "Yes, teacher, it means father and mother"
Teacher: "Good. Can you give me an example?"
Ah Beng: "Sure. Cowboy's parents means cowboy's father and
mother. Also can say Cowboy's father is Cow Pay and
Cowboy's mother is Cow Boo. So if they walk together,
we can say they are 'Cow Pay Cow Boo'".
(Act 7)
Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what
had happened to his ears and he answered," I was ironing a shirt and the
phone ring lor- but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally
picked
up the iron and stuck it to my ear. So Kena lor!"
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to the
other ear?"
Ah Beng: "That stupid fellow called back again loh!"
(Act 8)
Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?
Because according to the advertisement, below 18 is not allowed to go
in.
Check out wat happens if u marry a software programer!!!
Message: Never marry a software Programmer. Just have a look at this conversation and then decide Yourself.
Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.
Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.
Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.
Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.
Wife - hey bhagwan! I forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.
Wife - at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.
Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.
Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.
Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.
Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.
Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.
Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.
Wife - I will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.
Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.
Wife - It is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.
Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer
Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.
Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.
Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.
Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.
Wife - hey bhagwan! I forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.
Wife - at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.
Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.
Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.
Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.
Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.
Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.
Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.
Wife - I will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.
Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.
Wife - It is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.
Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer
Isn't there anything you want?
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. the husband speaks again.
"I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
Up to 60.
"I want the car, too," he continues.
65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat." The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says."Oh, really?" he inquires, "so what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.
"The airbag."
Never underestimate how a woman thinks.
Moral of the story
Don't buy Toyota VIOS E as it has only one airbag.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. the husband speaks again.
"I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
Up to 60.
"I want the car, too," he continues.
65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat." The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says."Oh, really?" he inquires, "so what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.
"The airbag."
Never underestimate how a woman thinks.
Moral of the story
Don't buy Toyota VIOS E as it has only one airbag.
Friends are angels
One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school.
His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, "Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday?
He must really be a nerd."I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on. As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him.
They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt.
His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him.
He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes.
My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him and as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye.
As I handed him his glasses, I said, "Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives! " He looked at me and said, "Hey thanks!"
There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude.
I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived.
As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before.
He said he had gone to private school before now.
I would have never hung out with a private school kid before.
We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books.
He turned out to be a pretty cool kid I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends He said yes.
We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him
Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again.
I stopped him and said,"Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!" He just laughed and handed me half the books.
Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends.
When we were seniors, we began to think about college.
Kyle decided on Georgetown, and I was going to Duke.
I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem.
He was going to be a doctor, and I was going for business on a football scholar- ship.
Kyle was valedictorian of our class.
I teased him all the time about being a nerd.
He had to prepare a speech for graduation.
I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak.
Graduation day, I saw Kyle.
He looked great.
He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school.
He filled out and actually looked good in glasses.
He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him.
Boy, sometimes I was jealous.
Today was one of those days I could see that he was nervous about his speech.
So, I smacked him on the back and said, "Hey, big guy, you'll be great!"
He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled.
"Thanks," he said.
As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began.
"Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years.
Your parents,your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your friends...
I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them.
I am going to tell you a story."
I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met.
He had planned to kill himself over the weekend.
He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home.
He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile.
"Thankfully, I was saved.
My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable."
I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment.
I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile.
Not until that moment did I realize its depth.
Never underestimate the power of your actions.
Withone small gesture you can change a person's life.
For better or for worse.
God puts us all in each others lives to impact one another in some way.
Look for God in others.
"Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when
our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
There is no beginning or end.. Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift.
His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, "Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday?
He must really be a nerd."I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on. As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him.
They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt.
His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him.
He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes.
My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him and as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye.
As I handed him his glasses, I said, "Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives! " He looked at me and said, "Hey thanks!"
There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude.
I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived.
As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before.
He said he had gone to private school before now.
I would have never hung out with a private school kid before.
We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books.
He turned out to be a pretty cool kid I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends He said yes.
We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him
Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again.
I stopped him and said,"Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!" He just laughed and handed me half the books.
Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends.
When we were seniors, we began to think about college.
Kyle decided on Georgetown, and I was going to Duke.
I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem.
He was going to be a doctor, and I was going for business on a football scholar- ship.
Kyle was valedictorian of our class.
I teased him all the time about being a nerd.
He had to prepare a speech for graduation.
I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak.
Graduation day, I saw Kyle.
He looked great.
He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school.
He filled out and actually looked good in glasses.
He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him.
Boy, sometimes I was jealous.
Today was one of those days I could see that he was nervous about his speech.
So, I smacked him on the back and said, "Hey, big guy, you'll be great!"
He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled.
"Thanks," he said.
As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began.
"Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years.
Your parents,your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your friends...
I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them.
I am going to tell you a story."
I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met.
He had planned to kill himself over the weekend.
He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home.
He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile.
"Thankfully, I was saved.
My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable."
I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment.
I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile.
Not until that moment did I realize its depth.
Never underestimate the power of your actions.
Withone small gesture you can change a person's life.
For better or for worse.
God puts us all in each others lives to impact one another in some way.
Look for God in others.
"Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when
our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
There is no beginning or end.. Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
