Got two cows

TRADITIONAL CORPORATION You have two cows.  You sell one and buy a bull.  Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.  You sell them and retire on the income.  AN AMERICAN CORPORATION  You have two cows.  You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.  You are surprised when the cow drops dead.  A FRENCH CORPORATION  You have two cows.  You go on strike because you want three cows.  A JAPANESE CORPORATION  You have two cows.  You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.  You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and market them World-Wide.  A GERMAN CORPORATION  You have two cows.  You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.  A BRITISH CORPORATION  You have two cows.  Both are mad.  AN ITALIAN CORPORATION  You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.  You break for lunch..  A SWISS CORPORATION  You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.  You charge others for storing them.  A CHINESE CORPORATION  You have two cows.  You have 300 people milking them..  You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.  You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.  AN INDIAN CORPORATION  You have two cows.  You worship them.  A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION  You have two cows.  You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre.  Then midway through, you raised the price to RM0..60 or you cut the supply.  When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20.  The buyer decided you can keep the milk and they go look for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead.  Your two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.  And last but not least,  A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION  You have two cows.  One cow-peh and one cow-bu.

步兵多年的习惯

有个经历过很多战争并得过很多勋章的步兵退伍了。
刚回到城里，他的朋友就给他介绍了一个女友。

在他出门之前，他朋友给了他很多忠告：“你可能在战争中经历过很多事物，但有些事你要听我的。
第一，你下车后要替你女朋友开门；
第二，你女朋友入座时你应在她椅子后帮她；
第三，她说话时你要温柔地看着她；
第四，她需要什么东西你一定要抢先做好，不要让她动手。”

那个步兵说记住了，于是就走了。

第二天，当朋友打电话问步兵昨晚如何时，步兵沮丧地说：“我没有希望了！”
于是朋友问他：“你是不是忘了替她开车门？”
步兵说：“不，我替她开了车门，她很高兴！”
朋友又问：“你是不是忘了帮她入座？”
步兵说：“不，我帮她入座，她说我是绅士！”
于是朋友又问：“你是不是在她说话的时候东张西望？”
步兵说：“不，我一直看着她，她说我很温柔，并且说我的眼睛很有魅力！”

最后朋友问：“那你是不是在某事上让她自己动手了？”
步兵沮丧地说：“如果真是这样就好了。我们回家时，她说口渴，于是我就跑去替她买饮料。”朋友说：“那很好呀！”
步兵又说：“可是出于多年的习惯，我一拉开饮料罐，就向她砸了过去，自己躲到
了草里…”

精神病人妙語事例

精神病人妙語事例 1

病人A：「怎麼樣？這本書寫得還不 錯吧？」

病人B：「太好了！真是曠世鉅作。一點廢話都沒有，簡潔有力。不過有一個缺點，就是出場人物太多了！」

謢士 ：「喂！你們兩個 ...... 快把電話薄放回去。」



精神病人妙語事例 ２

有一位精神病院的醫生問患者 ︰「如果我把你的一隻耳朵割掉，你會怎麼樣？」

患者回答︰「那我會聽不到。」

醫生聽了︰「嗯，那很正常。如果我再把你另一隻耳朵也割掉，你會怎麼樣？」

患者回答 ︰「那我會看不到。」

醫生開始緊張︰「怎麼會看不到呢？」

患者回答 ︰「因為眼鏡會掉下來。」



精神病人妙語事例 ３

神經病院有一位老太太，每天都穿著黑色的衣服，拿著黑色的雨傘， 蹲在神經病院門口。

醫生 就想要醫治她，一定要從了解她開始 ..

於是，那 位醫生也穿黑色的衣服，拿著黑色的雨傘，和她一起蹲在那邊。

兩人不言不語的蹲了一個月......

那位老太太終於開口和醫生說話了：

「請 ..問一下 ! 你...也是香菇嗎?」



精神病人妙語事例 ４

一個精神病院的護士看到一個病人在寫信，非常好奇，想去偷瞄， 可是病人不給她看。

護士忍不住問︰「給誰寫信啊？ 」

病人回答：「寫給我自己啊！」

護士好奇心更盛，心想：「怎會有人寫信給自己呢？！」
於是又問：「寫些什麼啊？」

病人說：「你神經病啊！！我還沒收到信，我怎麼會知道！」


精神病人妙語事例５

有兩個精神病患者從病院裡逃出來。

兩人逃跑，爬上一棵樹，其中一個人從樹上跳下來，在地上滾來滾去， 然後抬起頭對上面的同伴說︰「喂！你怎麼還不下來啊？」

上面的那個人回答他︰「不 ... 行...啊！我還未熟透。」

精神病人妙語事例 ６


一位病人來找精神科醫生︰「醫生，怎麼辦？我一直覺得我是一隻母雞。」

醫生︰「喔？！那很嚴重呀，怎麼現在才來求醫？」

病人︰「因為最近我的家人在等我生蛋啊！」



精神病人妙語事例 ７


一個貨車司機送貨到精神病院，當他卸完貨準備回家時。
忽然發現有一個輪子爆胎了。

於是他將那個爆掉的車胎拿下來，正準備換上備胎時。

一個不小心，將固定車胎的四個螺帽掉到水溝裡了，
怎麼撿也撿不到。貨車司機不知如何是好。

此時，正好有一個精神病患者經過，就問司機怎麼了？

司機想，反正也沒有別的事可做，於是就把事情經過告訴精神病患者。

精神病患 說：「這麼簡單的問題也解決不了，難怪你只能當貨車司機。

你只要把剩下的三個胎各拆一個螺帽下來，裝到第四個車胎上， 然後開到最近的修車廠,補上剩下的 螺帽就可以了。」

貨車司機敬佩之餘，不禁開口問道：

「你這麼聰明，為什麼會住在精神病院？」

精神病患回答：「我住在這裡是因為我有精神病，不是因為笨！」

Weather Forecasting Stone

Nike Shoe Run Faster?

Two guys were walking through the jungle.

All of a sudden, a tiger appears from a distance, running towards them.

One of the guys takes out a pair of "Nikes" from his bag and starts to put them on.

The other guy with a surprised look and exclaims, "Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?"

His friend replies: "I don't have to out run it, I just have to run faster than you."

The Problematic Formula

Malaysia English

Malaysia English mou tak teng man....!!!!!!!

learn la veli usefull one kekekekeke

Malaysia English vs Britian English ...

Who says our English is teruk. Just see below - Ours is
simple,short,concise, straight-to-point, effective etc. The English did
invent the English Language, but they cannot use it economically when
communicating their intentions. Compare these phrases that Malaysians
and Britons use to say the same thing: So, why make things so confusing
and waste of money when you are and a long distance call.

WHEN GIVING A CUSTOMER BAD NEWS
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
Malaysians: No Stock.

RETURNING A CALL
Britons: Hello, this is John Smith. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
Malaysians: Hallo, who page?

ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY.
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Malaysians: S-kew me

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Malaysians:No-need, lah.

WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door?
Malaysians: (pointing the door) can ar?

WHEN ENTERTAINING
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Malaysians: Don't be shy, lah!

WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Malaysians: Where got?

WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER
Britons: I'd prefer not to do that, if you don't mind.
Malaysians: Doe-waaaan!

IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about the issue.
Malaysians: You mad, ah?

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE.
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please ! lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here.
Malaysians: Shaddap lah!

WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU.
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you?
Malaysians: See what, see what?

WHEN ASSESSING A TIGHT SITUATION.
Britons: We seem to be in a bit of a predicament at the moment.
Malaysians: Die-lah!!

WHEN TRYING TO FIND OUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED
Britons: Will someone tell me what has just happened?
Malaysians: Wat happen Why lidat????ADUI!!! (jumping to conclusion)

WHEN SOME ONE DID SOMETHING WRONG
Britons: This isn't the way to do it here let mne show you.
Malaysians:Hoi!!!u pig ar lidat also doe no how to do!!!!

WHEN ONE IS ANGRY
Britons: Would you mind not disturbing me
Malaysians:Celaka u!!!

Q & A

Wife : Honey..... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? U ' ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour??
Husband : I was just looking for the expiry date.

**********

Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures you Continue to do so.

**********

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

**********

Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can there be greater than this one?'
*********
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It ' s very kind of you, darling, But I don ' t have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that ' s because we aren ' t married yet.

**********
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy ' s lap.

**********

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn ' t left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I ' d have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE'

**********
Father to son after exam: 'Let me see your report card.'
Son: 'My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.'

**********
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?'
Millionaire: 'I owe everything to my wife.'
Interviewer: 'Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?'
Millionaire: ' Billionaire'

**********
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I ' ll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

**********
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me: my pretty face or my body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor. '

Ask more and you'll get it.

Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the
wife looks over at him and asks the question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "shit"

How many days you've worked?

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no t! ransfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation.The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying;

My friend, you have not worked here for even one day.
The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.

Manager:- How many days are there in a year?
Man:- 365 days and some times 366

Manager:- how many hours make up a day?
Man:- 24 hours

Manager:- How long do you work in a day?
Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.
Manager:- So , what fraction of the day do you work in hours?
Man:- (He did some arithmetic and sa! id 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third)

Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?
Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)

Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?
Man:- No sir

Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days

Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
Man:- 18 days.

Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?
Man:- 4 days

Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?
Man:- No sir!

Manager: - Do you come to work on workers day?
Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 2 days sir!

Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?
Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 1 day sir!

Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?
Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- None sir!

Manager:- So, what are you claiming?
Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that
I was stealing Company money all these days.

Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!
HR=HIGH RISK

Woman

HARD-DISK Woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Woman:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS Woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

EXCEL Woman:
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.

SCREENSAVER Woman:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET Woman:
Difficult to access.

SERVER Woman:
Always busy wh en you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Woman:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Woman:
She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL Woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS Woman:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything............

Ah Beng's Acts

(Act 1)
Ah Beng calls the telephone operator:
Ah Beng: "Could you please tell me the time difference between
Singaporeand New York?"
Operator: "Just a minute..."
Ah Beng: "Thank you."
Ah Beng got his answer and cut off the line.


(Act 2)
At a bar in New York, the man sat next to Ah Beng told the bartender,
"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE."
and his companion said, "JACK DANIELS,SINGLE."
The bartender turned to Ah Beng and asked, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Ah Beng replied: "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED."


(Act 3)
After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite sometime,
Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.
"It took me only 5 MONTHS to do it," Ah Beng said.
"FIVE MONTHS? Why did you take so long." the friend asked.
Ah Beng replied, "No, it is not long at all, look at the box, it says it
is for 4 to 7 years".


(Act 4)
Ah Beng took part in the Singapore Manhunt Competition. During the Q&A
segment, the host asks, "Name a drink that begins with the letter 'G'."
The crowd shouts, "Gin! Gin!". Others exclaim, "No, its Grape Juice!"
Another smart aleck yells, "Alamak, Gatorade!"
Host : "Quiet please."
Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena before replying, "C'mon man, I
don't need their help? I got more original answer. My answer is "Gu ni!"
(milk in Hokkien)


(Act 5)
Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it when he
encountered some problems. After a few attempts, he decided to use the
'Help' command. Soon after, he became very irritated and called the
computer shop for support.
Ah Beng : "I pressed the 'F1' key for help... but it's been over half an
hour & still nobody has come to help me...."


(Act 6)
In the class.
Teacher: "Class, do you know the meaning of parents?"
Ah Beng: "Yes, teacher, it means father and mother"
Teacher: "Good. Can you give me an example?"
Ah Beng: "Sure. Cowboy's parents means cowboy's father and
mother. Also can say Cowboy's father is Cow Pay and
Cowboy's mother is Cow Boo. So if they walk together,
we can say they are 'Cow Pay Cow Boo'".


(Act 7)
Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what
had happened to his ears and he answered," I was ironing a shirt and the
phone ring lor- but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally
picked
up the iron and stuck it to my ear. So Kena lor!"
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to the
other ear?"
Ah Beng: "That stupid fellow called back again loh!"


(Act 8)
Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?
Because according to the advertisement, below 18 is not allowed to go
in.

Check out wat happens if u marry a software programer!!!

Message: Never marry a software Programmer. Just have a look at this conversation and then decide Yourself.


Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?

Husband - hard disk full.

Wife - have you brought the saree.

Husband - Bad command or file name.

Wife - but I told you about it in morning

Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife - hey bhagwan! I forget it where's your salary.

Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.

Wife - at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.

Husband - sharing violation, access denied.

Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you.

Husband - data type mismatch.

Wife - you are useless.

Husband - by default.

Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?

Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.

Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?

Husband - the only user with write permission.

Wife - what is my value in your life?

Husband - unknown virus detected.

Wife - do you love me or your computer?

Husband - Too many parameters.

Wife - I will go to my dad's house.

Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.

Wife - I will leave you forever.

Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife - It is worthless talking to you.

Husband - shut down the computer.

Wife - I am going

Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer

Isn't there anything you want?

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.

"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. the husband speaks again.
"I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.

Up to 60.

"I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat." The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says."Oh, really?" he inquires, "so what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.

"The airbag."

Never underestimate how a woman thinks.

Moral of the story
Don't buy Toyota VIOS E as it has only one airbag.

Friends are angels

One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school.
His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, "Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday?
He must really be a nerd."I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on. As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him.

They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt.
His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him.
He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes.

My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him and as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye.
As I handed him his glasses, I said, "Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives! " He looked at me and said, "Hey thanks!"

There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude.
I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived.
As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before.

He said he had gone to private school before now.
I would have never hung out with a private school kid before.
We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books.

He turned out to be a pretty cool kid I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends He said yes.
We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him
Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again.

I stopped him and said,"Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!" He just laughed and handed me half the books.
Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends.
When we were seniors, we began to think about college.
Kyle decided on Georgetown, and I was going to Duke.
I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem.
He was going to be a doctor, and I was going for business on a football scholar- ship.

Kyle was valedictorian of our class.
I teased him all the time about being a nerd.
He had to prepare a speech for graduation.

I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak.
Graduation day, I saw Kyle.
He looked great.
He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school.
He filled out and actually looked good in glasses.
He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him.
Boy, sometimes I was jealous.

Today was one of those days I could see that he was nervous about his speech.
So, I smacked him on the back and said, "Hey, big guy, you'll be great!"
He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled.
"Thanks," he said.

As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began.
"Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years.
Your parents,your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your friends...
I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them.
I am going to tell you a story."

I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met.
He had planned to kill himself over the weekend.
He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home.
He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile.
"Thankfully, I was saved.

My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable."
I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment.
I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile.
Not until that moment did I realize its depth.
Never underestimate the power of your actions.
Withone small gesture you can change a person's life.

For better or for worse.
God puts us all in each others lives to impact one another in some way.
Look for God in others.

"Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when
our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."

There is no beginning or end.. Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift.

FutureCard

p/s: easier if you know singapore ah beng's English....

Must read! This is hilarious!
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The multi-purpose FutureCard will be the version of our perpetually metamorphosing IC in the near future. With an embedded smart chip, it can also be used as a passport, store our medical history, driver's license,act as an ATM card, serve as an electronic purse and even be used at the National Library...what ever you do with the card...you will be tracked!
It may also be a tracking device via GPRS (Good or Bad, depending the situation)

However, a recent debate has brought to light the questionable control on access, potential information abuse and privacy infringement.

As the debate rages on, I can foresee a likely scenario when ordering pizzas in the near future...

Ah Beng's FutureCard ( Likely Scenerio )

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut Geylang. May I have your..."

Ah Beng: "Haloo, arh...can I orler huh..."

Operator: "Can I have your Future Card number first, Sir?"

Ah Beng: "It's arh..., hold on prease, arh..... S6102-0499-54610FC"

Operator: "OK... you're... Tan Ah Beng alias 'Or Kwee Tao' and you're calling from 17-D Lorong 14, Geylang. Your home number is 6782 8828, your office 6782 8838 and your mobile is 96828848. Which number are you calling from now Sir?

Ah Beng: "Home lah! Wah Lan...How you get all my phone lumbers, arh?"

Operator: "We are connected to the 'FutureCard' system Sir"

Ah Beng: "OK lah, okay lah...Can I orler your Seafood Pisar..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Ah Beng: "Why....Cannot arh?"

Operator: "According to your latest medical records, you have high bloodpressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Ah Beng: "What?...Wah Lan!....medical lecords also hab... you lecommend lah?"

Operator: "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"

Ah Beng: "Wah...How you know I like Hokkien mee, arh?"

Operator: "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"

Ah Beng: "OK...OK...Buay Ta Han... I give up... Gif me three family sized ones then, how much arh?

Operator: "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $45..."

Ah Beng: "I pay by FutureCard...Can or Not ?"

Operator: "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you're owing your bank $6720.55- since October last year"

Ah Beng: "Ka Nee Nah!... Everything also know...chiat lat!"

Operator: "That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan Sir.

Ah Beng: "Okay lah...I run to ATM and withdraw some cash before you come my house lor"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today....with the latest withdrawal of $250 for 4D and TOTO at 2.46pm"

Ah Beng: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I borrow money from my Ah Mah. How long arh?"

Operator: "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle...it'll be ready in 15 mins and you are only 5 mins away"

Ah Beng: "Where got transport?"

Operator: "According to the details in your FutureCard", you own a Honda Scooter, ...registration number FE 3288..."

Ah Beng: "Ka Nee Nah!"

Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman... ?"

Ah Beng: [Speechless and calms down after being reminded of the brush with the law]

Operator: "Is there anything else Sir?"

Ah Beng: "Nothing... by the way... still got stock of that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised or not?"

Operator: "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... "

Ah Beng: [Heard cursing away as he slams down the phone and telling his family he is going to the Hawker Centre to 'Tar Pow']

6 weeks....6 months....6 years.....

6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??

Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.

Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!

Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??

New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?

Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

TV:
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself.

The boring book

A SARDARJI is in the library, he bangs down a book and says :
"Too boring, too many characters and no story."
LIBRARIAN says : "Oh! you are the one who took the phone
directory away??"

Newspaper

WIFE : "I wish I was a newspaper, so I'd be in your hands all day."
HUSBAND : " I wish that you were a newspaper too, so I could have
a new one everyday."

No one will be at home

Jassi singh tells his girlfriend, "Come home tomorrow, no one will
be at home."
When she goes the next day to his home.....
There was NO ONE at home.